Miki's Pathway

Strolling Along

2005-07-29T08:06:00.000-05:00

So sorry to have not been faithfully posting, but things here have become extremely busy. Even this post will be short and to the point. I am still, no matter what I’ve said and done, doing everything I can to keep control in my marriage. I realized this the other night. Kev did decide to reinstitute maintenance once a week on Wednesday evening. So Wednesday comes, we get home from work, and he tells me it’s time…I stall, telling him my tummy is upset…which it was but not as bad as all that…so he agrees to wait a bit. Finally he is ready to wait no more, and I decide we have to talk first…another stall tactic…we discuss everything I think he is doing wrong regarding my discipline – well ok not everything (for instance letting me stall was CERTAINLY not discussed)…and I tell him how to do it right…he should have tanned my hide for days over this one!! So then the moment I’ve been dreading and stalling finally comes…but when he brings out his new cane I tell him I can’t handle that and that he can’t use it…so he puts it away and opts for the bath brush instead (tell me again who is supposed to be in control?????)

So anyway he finally starts, but he’s doing this Q&A thing…and I can’t answer questions while I’m getting a spanking, so I snap at him to please not make this a Q&A session…and he complies. Then we come to an area where the problem is part mine and part his…and neither of us is sure how to fix it. He doesn’t give enough warm up time…so the spanking gets too hard too fast and then I can’t take it. He having to end things much too soon, and because of this, I have no residual effects…actually, the only impact discipline happening this way is having is that it’s making me angrier at him than I already was.

You have to understand…I want this to work. I keep saying I can’t give up control until he takes it, but I’m slowly realizing the opposite may be true as well. So I’m going to try harder to give it up…and hope that he takes it. If anyone has suggestions for hubby regarding the too fast, too hard issues, please let me know.

Blessings to all,

Miki

Lost steps

2005-07-20T06:55:00.000-05:00

Boy this path sure has a lot of backtracking going on. One step forward to make me feel excited that we have found our way…and then two steps backwards to make me feel like giving up. I know it takes time and patience and communication, but some days I don’t have the capacity for those qualities. Some days, like today, I want to scream.

I’ve done some things that very definitely should have earned me a punishment…none of them were the result of bratting, but, I’m not stupid, I know when I’ve crossed the line. Each time one of these incidents occurred I’ve been expectant…not that I want to go bottom up again, but……..

Kev hasn’t reacted in any way. OK I’ll take that back. For one of the offenses, I was told we would deal with it after our escape night (once a month we have an escape night…we go to dinner and maybe a movie and then stay at a motel). Well that was Friday night. It’s now what…Wednesday? Nothing has been said. Until this morning, when I decided I could let the frustration I’m feeling keep building, or I could talk to him. If it builds anymore I’m going to brat and I don’t want to go there, so I talked.

I told him what I’m feeling…frustrated, resentful, angry, ignored, unloved…because he isn’t responding to things that we both know are not acceptable in my behavior, attitude and actions. You know what the man said to me???? He said that he thought I’d been doing a very good job of keeping myself in check. HE made excuses for my slipups. I’m at a loss!

Bear with me while I give an example…this morning, I went into the bathroom before work and the light bulb went out when I flicked the switch. I asked him to please replace it for me…he asked “Did it go out?” OK so here’s the thing…one of my rules is not to smart mouth or be sarcastically rude to him…I can say pretty much anything with respect but I cannot be rude. SOOOOOO what did I say??? “No, I just asked you to change it for the hell of it!”…in an incredibly snotty, sarcastic tone. So in one sentence I broke two rules…I cussed and I was rude and sarcastic. What did he do? Changed the bulb without a word.

In the car on the way to work as we were talking about how I’m feeling, I brought this up…because he didn’t even respond to me when it happened. I know it happened because of the resentment I’m feeling. He told me that he’d earned my sass by asking a dumb question.

OK my friends…I need you. Am I expecting too much? Do I have cause to be frustrated or resentful of this situation? Is there a way to make up the backwards steps I feel like we’ve traveled? What should I do here? Help…please??

Blessing to all,

Miki

Weekend...

2005-07-08T17:15:00.000-05:00

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Blessing to you all,

Miki

Be careful what you wish for...

2005-07-07T15:06:00.000-05:00

you just might get it!! Here I've been wondering why he wasn't doing anything...praying for guidance...longing for him to just care enough to take the first real steps...and all the while he was completing his last research...deciding what to do about the kids...and stocking up on implements. Silly me to think that he wasn't going to follow through...he is...with a vengeance. The other afternoon, he and our middle child were having a quite heated discussion...and I just couldn't stay out of it. I truly believed that they were each making things worse and I decided that I just had to make it stop. So I barged my way into their conversation...I asked for them to each play along with me...which they agreed to do...and I started guiding the flow of their disagreement. Sis got riled up again and started in and before I could calm her, Kev got riled up too...and that's where I made the HUGE mistake. Without thinking, right in his face, I yelled "shut the he** up." I knew the second it escaped my mouth it was wrong...I felt horrible...I hoped upon hope that I could take it back...not because I knew I was going to be in trouble (because at this point I still am thinking Kev has changed his mind) but because it was disrespectful to this man I love so very much...because I know better than to talk to him like that...and because I saw the pain on his face. Well we got them back on track and while I was very happy to have helped their relationship...I was also very somber because I went against everything I've been trying so hard to do. It was at just about the second I began to open my mouth to apologize to him that he ordered...yuppers you read it right...ORDERED me to the bedroom. You'd better believe this girl moved as quick as possible...and even in the right direction. Kev didn't immediately follow me...but I knew where I should be and so when he did come in I was standing with my nose to the wall. I was already feeling so very bad that the lecture that followed made me want to curl up and die. I was more than accepting of the discipline spanking he administered...my heart was hurting for the pain I caused him. He spanked me almost to tears this time, but even this time the tears would have been more of pain than of the remorse I was truly feeling. I don't get that. Perhaps it will come with time.

Tuesday I got another spanking...this one because I allowed our oldest daughter to stress me to the point of tears and cursing. This one was longer and harder because I tend to hold on to my stress tightly and it's incredibly bad for my health and our marriage as I take it all out on him.

I now feel like I'm finally on the path...and Kev is right there beside me. I wouldn't want it any other way...even if it does mean sitting on a bruised bottom. Each time I sit I'm reminded of Kev's love for me, his commitment to our marriage and to me, and of my submission to my husband. I choose to give this to him...and in doing so I accept what he chooses for me...no matter what it may be as long as he dispenses it for God and with love and the intention of guiding me to a safer, healthier place. We've arrived at this point on the path for a reason...and I choose to not question it. I believe God has a reason for where we are...and I trust in Him.

Blessings to you all,

Miki

And two giant steps backwards...

2005-06-24T07:14:00.000-05:00

Just had the worst argument ever with Kev...and now here I sit at work reliving every word. I said some things I probably shouldn't have said...I used a tone that was totally unacceptable....and I cursed like a sailor. In my heart I know I should apologize and that it shouldn't be enough...that I should be harshly disciplined for acting like such a brat. In my head however...I won't apologize because he was wrong too and he started it!!!!! So now how do I get these two parts of me to come together to what is right? In my LOGIC center...right is that I should apoligize and accept whatever discipline he deems necessary...gracefully...because I earned it...but I deserve an apology for the way he treated me too, not that it was an excuse to behave like an unruly child, but it was hurtful. Now is my logic center in the right place? If so, how do I get it to stand strong against the very loud voice in my head??

Love and blessings to all...

Miki

Giant Leap...

2005-06-15T09:41:00.000-05:00

or small step? I'm not sure which it was, but I do know it was significant to me and hard as hell. Kev called me on my language in front of friends...something to which I would normally have had plenty to say to him no matter where we were or who was listening. Now I'm not going to say I didn't have to bite down on my tongue and really breathe deep, but I simply apologized to him for what I had said. It was a very humbling moment for me, but well worth it when I saw the smile on his face. In that moment I realized that I do love him so very much and I do want to cause that smile as often as possible.

Maybe it really is more about me than about Kev...and maybe I can start making a difference.

God Bless,

Miki

Quiet weekend

2005-06-10T19:13:00.000-05:00

This will be a long quiet weekend alone for me...Kev is at a PK rally in Fayetteville. Can't believe the protesters there...gay men's activists were no surprise, but women's suffrage activists...I mean really!! I guess they don't like what the Bible has to say about wifely submission. But I've always been taught to hate the sin and love the sinner, so my prayers go out to them.

I'm thinking my frustration has more to do with me wanting to control how and when things change in our lives than the fact that Kev isn't actively engaging right now. I want to talk with him about this, but I'm not sure how to approach it. Perhaps this weekend will give me time enough to think it through.

Until Monday - God Bless,

Miki

Anyone there?

2005-06-09T17:36:00.000-05:00

It's been a little bit since my last post but not much has changed. I'm still feeling frustrated, but I've put another word to the feeling I think I'm really having - neglected. How do I cope when he promises that this is what he wants, that he knows we are needing to make significant changes in our marriage if we're going to save it - commits to THESE changes...and then does NOTHING????? I want to be happy with our marriage - with him - with me........but I'm not. I want out of the misery this is causing. I don't want to "brat" to push him to do something, but what the hell else am I to do? I wish I knew if someone was reading this...feeling the same way I'm feeling or remembering when they felt this way. If anyone is out there, please let me know.

Miki

Frustration Continues

2005-05-31T16:53:00.000-05:00

The long weekend was incredibly uneventful at our house...not a hint of a spanking regardless of Kev promising me that I would have 2 weeks of reminders to begin our journey. I am feeling ignored and pissy. I'm wondering if there's any hope for CDD - or our marriage.

Until next time,

Miki

Frustration

2005-05-27T17:26:00.000-05:00

Last night didn't go much better...and I'm more frustrated now than I was a month ago with my marriage. I'm trying to determine why I'm not getting anything from this but a bruised and sore seat. He didn't stop when I asked him to last night, and that was progress I'll admit, but it wasn't much better.

Perhaps a little more about me...I'm a business exec who is described quite frequently as a "ball busting bitch" or as the "Ice Princess". They may very well be true, but I've always been told it's the only way to get ahead in the world or corporate finance. And I have gotten there - I'm the supervising manager in the office, I make twice the average salary for my field and region and I'm moving quickly in the field. At home my kids walk all over me while my poor DH hasn't had a minutes peace in the majority of our 8 years together. I love him...truly...but I just need more from him. Perhaps what led me to this life - or helped open my eyes anyway - were fantasies of being snatched away, taken against my will, and "throttled" into obedience. Reality is a hubby who rarely puts up any resistance when I've decided how things should be, and my mouth and attitude override him on the few occasions when he does resist. Now we're trying again to put our marriage to rights and I still can't seem to feel much of anything. I'm a die hard "never let them see you cry" woman. I cry at silly things, but not tears of any emotion. I wonder if my emotions are long dead?

Last night, Kev was admisistering my reminder and at no point could I let myself feel anything other than the pain...no emotions. I wondered at how he could possibly be so silent, in fact I think perhaps I might have felt something if he had been scolding me or reading the riot act or telling me how terrible of a wife I've been to him and how HE is going to change that for us. But he didn't...not a word...all I heard was his hand on my butt. I WANT to feel something...I WANT the tears and emotional release...I WANT to feel remorse for how I've treated this wonderful man!! Instead I feel nothing...no tears, no release, no remorse.

Please can't someone help me figure out what it is that's wrong with me?

Miki

First Steps

2005-05-26T11:12:00.000-05:00

Taking the first steps along the pathway is the hardest thing I think I've ever done. You see, I'm a strong willed, opinionated woman who was abused in marriage number one and decided no one - and by no one I mean NO MAN - would ever have that position of trust and respect in my life again. Meeting and marrying Kev changed much, but for 7 of our 8 years respectful and trusting could not be used to describe how I was towards him. I suspected him of having affairs, I walked all over him, and I got my way no matter the cost. The cost, I realized a year ago, was that I was involved in an internet fling with a past beau and was about to destroy my children by leaving their daddy - who had done nothing to me other than love me unconditionally.

That's when I came across a CDD site on the net...what a wakeup call. Kev and I are Christian, or I thought I was anyway. After reading much on the net, reading my bible and searching my heart...I wrote a letter to Kev telling him what was on my mind...I laid everything out. From the reasons I was how I was, to the fling, to telling him I had contacted a divorce attorney...I bared everything. Then I relayed what I had come across and the reading I had done, and asked him if he was ready to help me become a better wife, mother, person and Christian or if we were done. His response was my first ever spanking, and my reaction was immediate. I tried so hard to not ever earn another...and things were getting better. And then...life intervened. Situations presented themselves that prevented us from staying the path. And a year later I was looking for the attorney's number again.

A few weeks ago, Kev and I decided we aren't willing to throw our marriage away. We've decided to begin again into LCDD. While we are busy working towards some rules and changes, Kev has decided to remind me that I am not the HOH, that when we were married I shouldn't have said the word "Obey" if I wasn't prepared to do just that, that a Christian wife is to submit to her husband in all, and that he loves me and wants our marriage to work as it should. To this end (pardon the pun) he is administering 2 weeks of nightly reminder spankings. Last night was the first one and today I'm not sure how I feel.

At the very moment it was happening, I was thinking it was too much...that I couldn't possibly take what he was doling out...and thus I started begging him to stop...and he did. I felt let down...as soon as he stopped I knew it wasn't enough. Today, I'm sitting on a bruised and sore bottom, but my head and heart are still...numb? cold? I'm angry and frustrated with him and I feel myself wanting to snap at him...exactly what we don't need. I think I begged him to stop because it hurt (gee what a surprise, huh) and because I wanted to see if he would (to see if I still held the reins). I feel like he's not serious about this and wonder why we're trying anything at all.

Maybe tonite will be different? Pray for guidance for Kev and for me.

God Bless,

Miki