Boy this path sure has a lot of backtracking going on. One step forward to make me feel excited that we have found our way…and then two steps backwards to make me feel like giving up. I know it takes time and patience and communication, but some days I don’t have the capacity for those qualities. Some days, like today, I want to scream.
I’ve done some things that very definitely should have earned me a punishment…none of them were the result of bratting, but, I’m not stupid, I know when I’ve crossed the line. Each time one of these incidents occurred I’ve been expectant…not that I want to go bottom up again, but……..
Kev hasn’t reacted in any way. OK I’ll take that back. For one of the offenses, I was told we would deal with it after our escape night (once a month we have an escape night…we go to dinner and maybe a movie and then stay at a motel). Well that was Friday night. It’s now what…Wednesday? Nothing has been said. Until this morning, when I decided I could let the frustration I’m feeling keep building, or I could talk to him. If it builds anymore I’m going to brat and I don’t want to go there, so I talked.
I told him what I’m feeling…frustrated, resentful, angry, ignored, unloved…because he isn’t responding to things that we both know are not acceptable in my behavior, attitude and actions. You know what the man said to me???? He said that he thought I’d been doing a very good job of keeping myself in check. HE made excuses for my slipups. I’m at a loss!
Bear with me while I give an example…this morning, I went into the bathroom before work and the light bulb went out when I flicked the switch. I asked him to please replace it for me…he asked “Did it go out?” OK so here’s the thing…one of my rules is not to smart mouth or be sarcastically rude to him…I can say pretty much anything with respect but I cannot be rude. SOOOOOO what did I say??? “No, I just asked you to change it for the hell of it!”…in an incredibly snotty, sarcastic tone. So in one sentence I broke two rules…I cussed and I was rude and sarcastic. What did he do? Changed the bulb without a word.
In the car on the way to work as we were talking about how I’m feeling, I brought this up…because he didn’t even respond to me when it happened. I know it happened because of the resentment I’m feeling. He told me that he’d earned my sass by asking a dumb question.
OK my friends…I need you. Am I expecting too much? Do I have cause to be frustrated or resentful of this situation? Is there a way to make up the backwards steps I feel like we’ve traveled? What should I do here? Help…please??
Blessing to all,